I often stop and think about infertility these days. That may seem a little odd considering my current new role as Mom, but it’s all around.
I have a lot of friends who struggle with it.
I still get the magazines.
I read the blogs still.
And yet, somehow it’s this distant thing of the past too. Like a bad dream, or something that you wish you could forget happened.
See the thing is, I’m still infertile. I’ve never given birth before. And when I think of it that way, I feel like it should still sting. Like it should still hurt me to say that.
I’m not sure exactly when I realized it, or when it first struck me. But it doesn’t hurt. Somehow, by the grace of God, through the gift of Liam, the pain is less. I read recently a passage in Joel, via another blog that I read, and was struck by the truth of this passage in my life.
So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
The crawling locust,
The consuming locust,
And the chewing locust,
My great army which I sent among you.
You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
And praise the name of the LORD your God,
Who has dealt wondrously with you;
And My people shall never be put to shame.
Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:
I am the LORD your God
And there is no other.
My people shall never be put to shame.
See I can look back over the 6+ years before Liam in two ways. I can be bitter about all the time that we ‘wasted’, wondering about the why of it all. Or I can choose to see that God had a plan for all that time. He needed us to learn that He is our God, and His people aren’t put to shame. And we can choose to look at his gifts to us now as a way for him to restore to us the years that were ‘lost’. He can use Liam as a way to redeem the years gone by.
And when I hold him tight, or nurse him before bed, or hear his coos in the morning, or rock him to sleep for a nap, I feel redeemed, restored for all the years that my arms were empty. I feel complete, called to be the best mom that I know how, and called to praise God for it all!
Does that mean I forget that I’m infertile? NO! Does that mean that I can’t sympathize with those that are still in the rough and tough of it all? NO!
It just means that in my ‘right now’ I have to praise the Lord for redeeming the years that the locust has eaten!