I've started this post many times in my head, and still, I'm not sure what to say. How much to say. How much to hold back. What to share and what to keep personal. And so, I've put it off. Tried and tried again to start it, but never did. Added it to my to-do list and never crossed it off.
Infertility is a journey that few understand. If you haven't been there it's hard to describe what we're feeling.
I guess there is just a lot of feeling. It's a personal journey full of ups and downs and hard and good and sad and glad. There's a lot of things going on.
I guess at the end of the day, there is an unfulfilled longing. A longing to have arms filled. To have the cradle not be empty. To love someone so much it hurts. There is a desire that can't be filled with any other thing.
Our journey is not unlike many out there. I don't pretend that I'm the only one going through this. But sometimes? It feels that way.
This month, after a long and full of doctor's visit month we are facing disappointment. I think I'll spare the details of how that all worked out and what exactly happened. But it's over again. For another month the answer was no.
And my heart is breaking. It's hard to hear no. It's hard to hear it again and again.
I feel like the world, for a few moments, stopped spinning. Like our life as we knew it changed and we will never be the same again.
And yet, here I am. Tears streaming down my face, full of hope. I know that with God all things are possible. I know that I am loved. Our family has come through for us in ways I never dreamed of. I have friends that pray for us. Friends far and near that love us enough to pray and hope with us. I have a husband that, I swear (except I don't), is the best man in the whole wide world. He does things I don't ask. He's there. He's taken the time to be. For us to be together.
And you know what? Life goes on. It really does. Meals need to be made. Children need to be taught. Choirs need to be sung. Girls need to be rallied and activities need to be planned.
Most days, I wake up and I'm fine. Some days I wake up and the burdens seem heavy.
But I'm here. I'm smiling. I'm loving. I'm existing.
I guess all this to say, thanks. To those that love us and have surrounded us and have prayed. Thanks.
This blog is a place for me to write. A place to tell. A place to share.
May you be blessed today. And may you be thankful for the blessings you are given.
With much love,