Monday, January 24, 2011

Today I'm not so good, yesterday I was fine, and tommorrow, well we'll see

This journey is a roller coaster.

And in a coffee conversation with a friend of mine, I realized just how much my emotions can change from day to day. 

Take, for example, a typical cycle.

The cycle begins with a period. Talk about the worst. Emotions are high and I always feel like the dreams of my life have come to a screeching halt.  On top of that, I'm sicker than sick and don't much feel like doing anything more than sleep or eat.

But within a few days the pain is gone, both physically and in my heart.  And hope arises.

Maybe, just maybe this will be the cycle that works. Maybe we'll be blessed. Maybe prayers are answered. 

And as of late, this goes with the preparation for another cycle. There are doctor's visits, medicines, timing.  Lots to do. And doing feels good. Makes me feel like I have some sort of purpose.

The middle of the cycle is up for grabs. Sometimes in the waiting, I feel hope. Yes, it must have worked. God will answer our prayers.  And sometimes I feel hopeless. I don't really think it can happen for us. 

By the end of the cycle, even though I've told my self a million times not to, I've got my hopes up.  I'm hoping. And waiting. 

And then the cycle ends and we start all over again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a mess.
Most of the time.

I'm hoping.
I'm not hoping.
I'm hurting.
I'm ok.
I'm excited.
I'm sad. 

I'm all of those things and so much more. 

And I'm not really sure that there is more of a point to this post then this: I want to remember this. I want this to make me a more compasionate person. I want to be changed. I want to be molded into the person that God wants me to be. I want to reach out to those that hurt because I know what that feels like. 

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