This week may be tough

Why you ask? This is the week that we will be going to see a fertility doctor. It scares me very very much.

As I think more about it, I'm not sure why it scares me so much. I think it is because it is the next step. What we are doing right now, despite our hoping and waiting, is not working. We don't know why, but it is not working. So now, for better or worse, we are going to seek the advice of doctors. More doctors then I've been to already.

I think what scares me the most is that this doctor could look into things and do millions of tests and find out that it is not possible for us. That it is not possible for us to have children. And that scares me.

Really, really, scares me!

But I have to know that it is going to be ok.

We were talking the other night and Mike was gently reminding me to not be such a pessimist. I had always thought of myself as an optimist, but I'm not. I think of the worst possible thing that this doctor could tell us and think that that is what is going to happen. I think that the small fixes or the things that could be easily solved happen to other people and not to us.

Maybe because if I do hope that they find something and that it can be fixed, and then that doesn't happen, I will be crushed. I have tears in my eyes as I write that. It hurts to think there may be no fix. It hurts to hope. Because hopes aren't always fulfilled.
I realize my problem here. I realize that I'm wanting what I want, and not what He has in store. I'm back to writing my own story, instead of having Him write it for me. I have to trust. He will do what is best.

So here is to a week of changes and new beginnings and new steps taken. Here is to praying and trusting and knowing that He is in control.

Proverbs 3:6
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

Not make your paths perfect. Not make your paths like you want them. But direct your paths. Show you the way. Help you along.
HE SHALL DIRECT YOUR PATHS.